Sunday, August 18, 2013

Missed Chance To Wok The Dog

I am not especially fond of our dog.

My days often start before the sun is up and much of my antipathy towards the dog is rooted in the number of times I've been walking to my car in the pre-dawn darkness and planted a half-awake foot in some unpleasantness she insists on depositing in the center of our driveway.  Got a whole yard-full of grass but the only place she'll leave these bundles of joy is smack in the middle of the driveway.

Then there's the fact that she barks at everybody.  Everybody.  From two-year-olds to grandmas and everyone in between.  Friends, enemies, red and yellow, black and white...she's an indiscriminate barker.

Got a new neighbor recently and I asked how he liked the area.  "It's great except for that dog of yours.  She barks at everybody."  Tell me about it.

I should mention that she pees in the driveway too.  Generally not too much drama on this one... unless it's rained.  Then you have no clue which puddle is loaded.

Did I mention she's covered in mange?

The low point of my day (assuming I got lucky and made it through the driveway-minefield with no trauma) is pulling back into that same driveway after work to be jumped on by a frenzied, mange-covered dog.  Why she's happy to see me I have no idea.  Believe me, I give her zero encouragement (I can do the 'mind-over-matter' thing, but I just can't bring myself to pet mange.)  And trying to keep her down is as futile as trying to keep her from barking... which, incidentally, is the only way I get a break from the jumping-on.  Some innocent soul will walk by and she'll tear her mangy self off me and sprint after said innocent soul, barking up a blue streak. Based on their use of language, she apparently scares the innocence out of a lot of souls.

Not fond of the dog.

So yesterday, one of our neighbors asked if they could cook the dog for a birthday party they were planning.  Not kidding.

My dear wife told them no.

She told them no.

I'll let you know when I recover from the depression.


Unknown said...

I can't imagine them killing the dog and then eating it after. I think it is not right, though I understand that you don't like your dog, Nate. I just hope there is a place where you can let someone adapt your dog and they can take care of her and give her a good place to stay and cure her mange.

Nate Gordon said...

Hi Alicia,

While eating dog is not that uncommon on this side of the globe, we actually do appreciate our dog and have no plans to see her end up on anyone's dinner plate. The piece was a bit of an attempt at seeing the humor in the situation. We're working on the mange and she is doing much better on that score if I can just get here to quit barking at everyone :)

Anonymous said...

Hey there bro - We have a german shepherd that jumps all over me, needs to be groomed so her fur looks mangy, and though I don't think I have reached wok-level frustration, there have been many times when I could have lived quite happily without her. (Like the time we took her to Arkansas and she pooped in the van, or the time she was being "courted" - quite unsuccessfully - by a tiny little dog while our neighborhood group guests looked on.) You are a great writer!! Keep the stories coming! With love and prayer - Becca

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